Tears at 2a12:22:00 PM
|How cute is my bed board, head board, wall bed board ok the lips and love hearts thingie|
Good afternoon beautiful people,
I drafted this post in the AM then had to leave it to prepare for church which i did then this happened.
Was going to church, had a #panicattack in the jav and started crying...now walking back home. #mentalhealth— #mymindmyfunk (@SitawaWafula) October 2, 2016
So i got back home and read it through then posted it.
I woke up at 2a...it wasn't the first time in recent times, I have been waking up at 2a at lot of late...before it was to pray but now I wake at 2a to cry. I wish I knew why, why I wake up at 2a to cry... the last time I woke up at 2a to cry, was a long time ago, a time when the voices ruled and I desperately wanted to be in charge. I did take charge and I had started getting used to sleeping through the night save for secret conversations with my Maker.
But now I am back to half sleep half anxiety nights, I am back to waking up to change my pillows because of soaking them in tears. Don't get me wrong tears are good (and crying is one of my many secrets talents), tears are liberating but not the 2a ones...These ones are oppressing, vengeful, out to prove a point. They have silent jokes and they whisper about me.I have seen them pointing fingers at me. Last night I heard them discuss how I thought I was bigger than them.
But I am bigger than them...I know that because I am looking forward to today, I am not in bed heartbroken and beating myself up...and if they were as powerful as they thought they are, they wouldn't wait for 2a...they'd show their face during the day, like right now, they wouldn't wait for the cover of darkness and sneak around...they'd look at this giant in the face and declare war.
But they already declared war, that first night and second night and the nights after...they had me shook for a minute, slightly lost my step there but now I know when I am done fighting to be alert and present during the day, there is no time to rest even when I am resting. Some nights I will win, other nights like last night, I get badly bruised but I will never give up, I will never give in...I will keep fighting, I will keeping getting my armor ready, ready for tears at 2a.
PS: If you are here for the first time, I had stayed for 306 days without a relapse until earlier in the week and I swear this relapse came with all its relatives even the ones it's not sure how it's related to them. Thing is, I got some relatives of my own it isn't ready for...lets get this party started stupid relapse...this is war and I stay winning.
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.