Life after the relapse; Scaling beyond 'at least'10:54:00 AM
Good morning beautiful people,
How cute is today?
During my early morning talks with God, He mentioned to me about heights and mountains and since a lot of times this has been interpreted as trouble, I started feeling anxious, mostly when I looked down. So He reminded me of the moment I have shared in the pic above.
This was in August this year when I did a MOTH training here in Nairobi under my Aspen New Voices Fellowship which culminated with an event where a few of us got to share our stories and work.
People said I spoke well.,
That's not the first time though that people have commented on how I share my life journey and the drive of what I do,
but that has not always been the case;
there was a time my speech was not all that,
When I couldn't explain myself,
If you are a faithful here and on my social media pages, you know I love the outdoors.
Most of my IG pix have me doing runs, walks, strolls, nature trailing,
But that has not always been the case;
there was a time my legs would lock and I couldn't walk because of falling too much and so getting out of the house or bed was an issue.
What brought the point home was when God reminded me that I used to get up to 3 seizures a day and on those days, I wished the seizures went down to 1 a day;
and they did.
So then I wished they would go to once a week
and they did
and I went on and on until I went 306 days without one.
(PS: I didn't just wish them away, I prayed and worked on my walk with God, stopped alcohol, got to learn my triggers and my type of epilepsy, I exercised and worked on my diet, took my meds, honored doctor's appointments, avoided stressful situations and worked on my tools and skills to handle those I couldn't avoid...if you or a loved one has epilepsy, learn what works for you, your environment and your type of epilepsy)
It was a process,
It was a journey,
306 days didn't just happen.
That said, last week was hard for me with the relapse and panic attacks and anxiety it can with. I have gone through the motions but one thing that came out clearly is that my heart is not settled at day 306 because that is not God's plan for my life...and saying at least I didn't get any seizures for 306 days isn't in my testimonials.
After days of too much TV, I am ready to start at one again.
Counting day one is scary,
it's like when you have been in a relationship for years, then life happens and you know you need to leave but then think who is going to start making friends, assessing dates sites and learning a new human from scratch,
It's like being famous and popular for a business or unique idea and failing then thinking who is going back to the drawing board and recrafting themselves and their service?
I have learnt of something that is even scarier; mark timing on a 306 days record just to be seen, just to hear the words 'at least you tried', it's sticking in a relationship that removes from you, takes your joy, your ambitions, your humanity just to hear the words 'at least you have a (wo)man', it's spinning in lost glory, becoming bitter with yourself and life just to hear the words 'at least you made an impact'.
There are times where 'at least' works, but it is just the fuel we need to move on not a place to pitch camp. I am an advocate for taking time out, healing at your own pacing, getting your own voice and I would rather live in a cocoon than live in 'at least' especially given the potential and the things God has in store for all of us, 'at least' doesn't count for nothing, it doesn't propel you to any heights save for bitterness (ask me, I know)
So this time I don't want it to be 'no seizure for one year' just to hear the words 'at least you made the one year mark'. I want that last one I had to be the last one I will ever have. I know relapsing is real, but what in life doesn't have a downside yet we still do it...we get on cars everyday yet that piece of metal despite servicing et al is known to do unprintable to humans, we fall in love despite hearing of lovers butchering each other (ok that's too graphic but you get my point, I hope)...so besides knowing about relapses and that I should not be getting my hopes too high, I know so many other truths that are real too including the One I serve and His track record of not doing halfbaked jobs and I have spent time with Him, I have been a work in progress since I started my recommittment journey and I know for sure the MEGA plans He has for me. (I am beyond knowing He has plans for me, I know the plans too)
One thing I have learnt through scripture digging is that He always gives a word and confirms it. (This is where I thank the anonymous lady from the Craving Series group I am part of, for giving me her space in a class I couldn't afford, this was confirmation to me on so many levels of one of the things I will be doing in 2017, making the theme we have been working on all year come to pass - yes God and I have been visual boarding for 2017 already, told you its not just knowing He has plans but knowing the plans)
I think I am ready to get out of my cocoon and fly, one last engine check... I am scaling to new heights, going up to my (not the, but my, because this is my journey) next level...and I am not doing this just with my health but 360, my 360.
I know heights can be scary at times, they bring so so much anxiety (I keep reminding myself not look down) but I will do it, I will do it scared...I will scale on...i would rather be anxious doing what I am here for than anxious mark timing on 'at least'
So here is to re-defining mountains and heights, dreaming and doing, scaling heights, mountain top after mountain top until our time on earth is no more.
Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.