Of midyear resolutions and new chapters; I want it all the way7:17:00 AM
If you, yes you, you know yourself, came here because you think this post is about you, you are right, ok partly right; you inspired it, I actually cried when writing it…TY for everything including this and I hope you will read it to the end to know my why and understand what I meant by not a perfect match for this season…always and forever, always and forever
I hate being a finalist.
I hate the psychological torture of wondering if I will be chosen.
Of course I want to be chosen.
I am not here to try it out
I am too old for some of these things
Or maybe it is the wait,
Yes I think it is the wait
Specifically the part after the wait
The part when it hits you your waiting was in vain
But I waited (I say in tears)
I waited loyally (I blow my nose)
This is why I hate being a finalist
I want it all the way (I say in a whisper)
Yes I want it all the way (I speak a little louder not believing I am actually say it to the world)
It is 4a on a Sunday morning and I think I just came up with my midyear resolution, tear induced red shot eyes, stuffy nose but clarity of mind; I am giving myself permission to want it all the way.
I began a journey in December last year (more of I began this journey) that involved working on my health which has spread to other areas of my life. I gave myself permission not to be sick from my dual diagnosis of epilepsy and bipolar and since beginning this journey, I have not been sick save for a few headaches and this monstrous jet lag from my US trip (the earliest I have woken up since I have been back is 3p, mostly 5.30p is my wake up time). If you have a mental health diagnosis, you should know your triggers, adhere to doctor’s directions which should be a dialogue between you and them not them speaking down at you, be part of some therapy, art, eco, talk, music and have a community around among other positive tools at least that has been my 14 year journey…in short, back your words (and faith) with work.
With my health sorta kinda in check, it was time to work on other areas of my life. For the longest time I have been a finalist in a lot of things from relationships to the direction I thought my life would take to family and so much. I was sort of always on the balance, trying stuff out and if you have been following this blog from back in the day, you know how many things I have tried either from passion or because I was experiencing mania or going through depression. If you are new here; well I have done poetry and hosted Nairobi illest poetry night – ask about Sitawa Ignited, I had owned an event planning company even enrolled to event planning school and passed with a distinction, had a fashion runway thing, what else have I done… you get the picture I have literally been all over the place and it is no lie My Mind, My Funk has been on an organic trajectory…when I started this blog, because this is where it all began, I didn’t put down a plan to have all the things I have done, not alone start MMMF; from the free SMS line that got 25000 texts and helped 11000 people, the office in Adams Arcade, the partnerships and (took a minute to give thanks), though the next move I took in my attempt to broaden horizons saw me fall face down, get into some serious company debt and broke links, it was also a much needed and maybe overdue moment…did I say a very scary, much needed humbling overdue moment that caused sleepless nights, speaking to lawyers, ugly crying in malls... I shiver when I think about it…but we all need some type of process right?
Ok I needed this process which took me back to the drawing board and this time round I didn’t want to do it organically or depending on how I felt. I also didn’t want to make my own plan and run with it and hit the wall again, this time I wanted God to do it… Most importantly it was me giving myself permission to get off the balance and gain some surety about my life and so I had one of those I won’t go unless you go with me moments and I tell you December was a standstill for me when I was offline and I asked Him over and over and for the last 6 months He has been building the treasure map behind the scenes.
So now I have to start on the foundation part of the building because we have a floor plan. We have been working with Ps 127:1-2 and we set out to build things that last. I have learnt it the hard way to be still…to wait on Him (my impatience got me to into trouble and I ended up having to separate with someone who means the world to me to get back on track.)
I have all the confidence in the world that this thing we are building is going to work wonders not just in Africa but beyond. I know that calls for me to be in it with both my feet, to be completely present and immersed in the process and produce, to believe and trust in God not just by word but also by deed down to the very core… knowing these requirements, I am telling God I want it your way all the way
Because I am nothing without you,
I hate being a finalist
And I don’t want to live the rest of my life on a balance waiting to be chosen,
Because you already chose me and I am choosing you
And I want to do it all the way,
I want it all the way.