It has been a minute since I updated; I wasn’t feeling so good and before I explain what was happening,
Happy Schizophrenia Awareness Day to you all, mad love to all my brothers and sisters from all over the world living with schizophrenia and major love to everyone who is a care giver to this tribe, I know you all go through a lot and I want you to know that you are appreciated.
I know this post should be about Schizophrenia but what My Mind, My Funk is dedicating all next week to Schizophrenia, see the poster for all the amazing things we will be doing. \0/ \0/ \0/
See Video attached at the bottom
Been doing research for Schizophrenia Awareness week and I came across a documentary by Stephen Fry titled; The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive where he openly talks about his diagnosis, suicide attempts and talks to others with bipolar and how it has affected their lives, visits care givers, psychiatrists and therapists. This documentary made me cry, laaaawd haven’t I been doing a lot of crying over the last few weeks when I have been going through the motions but it was nice to also hear him talk about the struggle between hiding and keeping afloat.
He and everyone else who spoke in that documentary, spoke my life and this evening I will be sharing a few secrets those of us with bipolar (also known as manic depression) hold back or just whisper about in our support groups or to our journals when we have the strength to.
Secret 1: Indecisiveness – We have issues making decisions and sticking to made decisions is an issue too
In a span of 3 weeks, I braided Marley braids on a Sunday afternoon spent the whole Sunday night undoing them and no they weren’t too tight or fixed wrong noooo, my mind just thought, why don’t we undo these nicely done braids…I braided leave out braids on Monday which I undid on a Thursday to put in this weave (which I looked really smoking in) that I bought out of the blue and removed after like 2 weeks and shaved my hair…we are there right now, with 1 inch long hair and I am not sure where we will go to next. I have been too busy though with the new office and stuff that I didn’t notice that I was being too indecisive of not just my hair but many other things.
Through the documentary I learnt about a bipolar diary, I keep a journal but I want to design a bipolar diary geared towards people like me with bipolar to help us know if we are going to mania or through depression and what we should do when going through the motions.
Secret 2: Grandiosity - Sleep for who? I am superwoman
What made me know something was wrong was definitely my sleep patterns…I have been doing 3 days without sleep then crushing for a day or two (or just a few hours) then back to sleeplessness. And during these periods of sleeplessness, I have been doing a whole load of planning…I have 5 notebooks, yes, even people planning to take over the world don’t have that many notebooks…I am not sure what I actually write in those notebooks but I write a lot, I draw stuff, I have formulas and I am ever planning, my mind is ever coming up with ideas…there is a night I actually sent like 20 texts to aspiring boo.
(ooh so you all know, I am in a between relationship situation, do not ask - I also have no idea what that means. There is life partner who I have done a few posts for before and as the title suggests he is there for life and I am there for life buuuuuut yeah now I introduce aspiring boo, who as the title suggests, he is aspiring, he is not even in the probation stage, do people still do that? And life partner is still green eyed about it all, I don’t want to comment about him yet save the fact that we have the most interesting conversations and I always look forward to our dates when he is not on call…and that is all I am letting out now)
Secret 3: Suicide – Now that we are being open, among my plans is how to successfully kill myself
Over planning is not a problem for me, the busier I am the better…your worst experience with me would be when I am depressed and just don’t feel like doing anything…the problem gets worse when I get bored with things some of which I had pulled in people and resources or if the plans don’t go my way and I get really frustrated, frustrated enough to change the plans from taking over the world to taking me away from this world. On Thursday 14th (10 days ago – around the time I got offline) I had a near suicide, last time this happened was on Friday 12th Dec (5 months ago). Well I know for sure I don’t want it to be painful, that’s why I always do pills, I just said always…yes this is not the first times I am attempting maybe the last or may not be.
At the end of the documentary, Stephen Fry asks, if there is a button to end it all and not have bipolar any more, would you use it? He said no…I too wouldn’t push the button, I love my life…yes there are days I wish I was ‘normal’, but those days are less and far apart than those when I celebrate the fact that I am not ‘normal’ and I am ready to go back to celebrating them tomorrow.