This is a sneak peek of what #bipolar does to my life (first hours of Friday morning)8:56:00 PM
I woke up this morning to work and I just looked at my laptop and started crying, I have cried for 2 hours (4.30-6.30a). I have wiped my tears with my night shirt, blown my nose on it, used all my tissues and got the point where I just it all flow. At first it was just tears streaming down my face, then sobs then it got really really loud and the louder my voice got, the louder the voices inside got. I don't know what they where saying but they must have been mean because they really upset me and made me cry even more, those loud ugly baby cries with tears mixing with mucus resulting to a salty mix in my mouth.
I have my first mosque mental health awareness drive today, I was excited about that when I got up and when i did my morning devotion I was still excited but as I booted my laptop, something happened. I was tempted to go back to bed but I am afraid that December will happen again, that I will struggle to get out bed, that I will switch my phone off, that I will disappear.
I decided to go to pinterest instead to check out some quotes about bipolar to try and lift my spirits, feel a little 'normal', know that its not my fault, that i will be alright, that i will not be on the losing end today. And as i went through the pins, my soul ached for someone I lost because he just couldn't get that sometimes I laugh and I laugh really hard and make him laugh too, sometimes I love and I love truly, madly, deeply and make him put his relationships at risk just to experience my kind of loving, then sometimes I just don't care not because I don't care but I just...just the same way this morning, sometimes I just start crying and I get lost and carried away to a world i can't even begin to explain. As i think of him for the first in a long time, i think of the pain in my head because of 2 hours of unexplainable crying, i think about days i really wanted to hug him or tell him something but all i could do is stand at my door and usher him out.
It is a battle in here, everyday is a battle, every day I wake up to fight, some days I own this, some days it owns me. So today, I decided to share this because I am fighting double hard...fighting hard so that at 1p, i will at the mosque ready to do what i was born to do, fighting hard to show myself and my beloved that i too don't understand all these things that happen to me but i don't give up, i might fall, i might take some time out but I don't give up, neither should he...i am fighting not just for myself but for everyone who has bipolar and ask questions they will never get answers to, i am fighting for everyone who has someone in the lives who has bipolar and they never get to understand what's happening....just as the ugliness and beauty just happens in our lives, just as we wake up and dress up and show up, just wake up and dress up and show up for us, that's all we need, that's what you empress need Baba Njoroge, wake up, dress up, show up...We will figure it out somehow. Always and Forever.