#thisBipolarLife; I am not ashamed that I have bipolar nor am I guilty about the journey I have had so far12:07:00 AM
|I love the words on my gym shoes - Power (I have the strength to |
fight whatever I facing) and Play on (don't quit)
If you follow me on twitter, you know about my #thisBipolarLife talk where I share when I have massive energy shifts (real time updates). Well today was one of those days and to summarize it all; I woke up at 4am full of energy, did my devotion well and went ahead to do two blog posts (the Stock Taking series; Finding yourself and What works for you) then froze for almost 4 hours, missed meetings and calls. Then slept for 3 hours all on a day, I had people looking up to me...I later went to the gym.
I wanted to share a few entries from my bipolar journal as soon as I got from the gym but something interesting happened when I was there. There is a lady I used to see at my previous gym when I used to live with my uncle who had also relocated and again we found ourselves at the same gym. We had a little bonding session and it was really interesting that she brought up something from my past into the conversation, she said she remembered seeing me really wasted back in the day...Lord is my witness, I used to drown myself but He had to save me from something, right? (this is where all my church people burst into song). If you read my morning posts, you know I was stock taking from my prayer journal this morning, just finding myself and knowing what works for me. I had a no so good day but I am so glad that lady brought that up because I made me see that I have really reconciled with my past and my journey. It is one thing to tweet or blog or speak at a conference about how persons living with bipolar engage in risky behavior and another to have one who saw the lengths you actually went to and let you know they know. Once you have moved on from some things, it is human nature to want them to be dead and buried. We always want to talk about not being sure what ride to leave home with and not the days we woke up early in the morning to walk to meetings, we want to complain about how the new househelp cannot cook food we cant even pronounce and days when we knew how to economize on the one meal we had per day. There is however something better than burying things, facing them head on and dealing with what needs to be dealt with. I am at a place of peace, my days may not be all so rosy but I am so glad they aren't what they used to be. Everyday is still a battle but it is a battle that I am actively a part of and not fighting through a screen of drugs and alcohol and ignorance.
I took the opportunity to tell her about bipolar which she didn't know about and I openly told her it is a mental health condition and totally loved the priceless look on her face after which she went all pitiful and said sorry a million times and I had to keep telling her I don't need her pity, it is not her fault, it is definitely not my fault. I was not ashamed to say that for years I relied on drugs and alcohol to deal with my mental health issues and for me to get to this point where I cannot hold any toxics in me, win awards, live in my own house, pay my own bills, run a mental health info and support hub and do it all with a genuine in depth joy, there has been a journey, they has been a process, there is definitely been failures and things and people I wish I never got involved with but they all had a part to play in the story behind this glory.
Do you have a man?
As we were parting ways, she asked me if there was a man in my life and went on to say how amazing it is to have someone to live with, rely on and take care of me. I know her question was double edged; with your condition can you hold done a relationship? with your condition, can you manage life without relying on someone. The answer is yes for both questions and to add on to it; yes with my condition, I have a mind sound enough to know what my priorities are and right now it is to provide efficient and effective mental health info and support to my country and very soon to my continent and above it all take good care of myself to be able to provide those services. So do I have a man, yes, right now, Jesus is the man in my life (yes, I know, I went there) and no I am not pulling that whole independent woman thing because I kinda have it together now but I believe in the principle of seasons and just knowing your purpose in life, the processes and where you are in relation to all of them. I have just gotten to a new space in my life and I am in a level of preparation in all spheres on my being and that's my main focus. The same way I do not want a half baked man still stringing issues from his past relationship, struggling with debt from here to Timbuktu, I don't want to be that type of woman to whoever I end up with. I know perfection is a myth but striving isn't, that's my current process. When we parted ways, what started as you were such as guzzler chick conversation ended with I am going to Google bipolar to learn more and you are such a strong woman.
In other people's books I may have wasted my hours, but in my job description, I was a good steward of my time and purpose and most of all, I go to bed so proud of myself because I am not guilty about the things I have done, the people I have been involved with, the roads I have taken because the three time award winning, resilient, beautiful and powerful voice in mental health in the country, Ms Sitawa Wafula, wouldn't be here, wouldn't be who she is, if she didn't go through that level in her life. I have reconciled with it and I have a right to be in the level I am at enjoying the season I am in; preparing myself for exponential things and as per the words on my gym shoes; I have the power to be anything I want and I will play on despite what happens for I know where I am going and my God will never give me more than I can handle.