Saturday, May 19, 2012

I sat on a toothpick house that took four weeks to build


the thought that you can do no wrong is a wrong in itself 

Greeting first…Hope you all had a successful week at home, at work, with your relationships, targets et al. If it was one of those so-so weeks bet you are glad the weekend is here, we win some, we lose some, right? well learn from the losses and enjoy the weekend. Now you can say oooouch, yep, I felt the pain too but let’s take it to the top. If you have been following events here at SitawaVille, you know the mantra this week was; anything worth having is worth fighting for and the week was going really well, I mean what wrong can you do when you are under self-imposed house arrest? Well the thought that you can do no wrong is a wrong in itself. 


So Monday through Thursday were great, I replied almost all my pending emails including one on the toothpick house project which required me to sign off something and since I was not really sure of the signing off, I did a minor enquiry and had a follow up gtalk about it the next day and we were both different pages, the project manager was focusing on the launch today and I on the other hand was focusing on the clarification and we made an agreement each with our different thought trails. Thinking we were on the same page, the project manager texted me yesterday on the sign off which I still had not done and seeing this as a sign of urgency, I kicked the toothpick house and boom the whole project died. Two hours later, I get a call asking why I would go out and sit on that house, it took four weeks to build, it was their first ever project and they had given their all, I was never there to support them all through then one afternoon I wake up and sit on it, how? As much as I know it was a case of miscommunication, a lot of emotions I would not want to flame any further are in action, I did not do it deliberately and these are things that switch on my self-destruct button.

Trying to make sure we were on the same page was my first point of action, it was all split milk but just getting to know where I went wrong other than the obvious, the house wreck and instead of asking why they left the house on my fav chair, I apologized. This whole week was about me fighting for a clean heart and a pure conscious; it was about fighting off baggage and things that are not worth it…it was a continuation of my letting go series. There is no way I have gone through the whole week letting go of useless bits and pieces only to go to back to feelings of guilt and remorse at the end of it all. Like everything, it was not easy and given I was emptying my mind, my soul and heart…there was room for all these feelings of negativity to eat me up. The project manager signed off with snow balled feelings and it hurt me to know I had destroyed something they took so long to build. My diary of bad deeds started moving closer and I could catch a glimpse of some of my actions; I am a bad person, a very very bad person but I am also a work in progress. I am still here because I am not perfect so that I can be perfect and this week was part of that process and how would it be complete without a fault to test if I am on track?

Discover yourself and your loved ones

Self-Destruct and Suicide
For some people, this is a walk in the park but for some of us, self-destruct aka a relapse is what we fight with our every inhalation. Three things I am working on with great effort to heal are my diet, my exercise and my state of mind; I found Jesus...as I try as much as possible to avoid medication and self-acknowledging that I will be like this till death does me part (it is worth the try and the fight) I have to admit, I fought so many temptations to pick up my phone and call my friend, the same one I asked for space from on Sunday, and thank God I had burnt my plough and my BB is dead. I had to force myself to go to bed at 8.30, I couldn’t sleep so I went to back to watch Jane by Design until around midnight. I am so glad I lived to see today and I am guilt-free on both sides; the toothpick house and sticking to my mantra…ooh and the third side too(read on). 

Triggers
One of my good pals in the mental health movement (there is a group of persons with  different mental illnesses i try keep afloat as much as the Lord allows me) was close friends with Minister Githae’s son who committed suicide in their home this week. He sent me an Irish song lyrics and I have to admit the only Irish thing I know is St. Partick’s Day whose knowledge came from my blogging for Southern Sudan’s Hope Ofiriha. So when I was good in my soul with the day’s conclusion, the conversation began with my pal, who was drinking to see if the bottom of the bottle had answers even though he had not asked the bottle any questions. When you have a mental illness, it is always a constant battle in your mentals to remain positive, to live in the now…disclaimer, I was in no battle when I sat on that house, I never use my illness to cover up for things I do and can perfectly reason out…Triggers for different people come in different forms and shapes, I for one cannot stand someone breathing down my neck, I however need to work on this for the next three weeks given I have two job offers in my various fields and they both include some serious neck breathing. For me that is a stressor and more so it re-emphasizes that I cannot function in my own space and someone has to constantly look over my shoulder but I have new responsibilities now I need to get back to employment to make ends meet. I do not have to but I need to work on my team work ethics and letting people in….as I said if it is worth having, it is worth fighting for.

Back to my friend, his stressor was his friend’s death (I will blog about suicide later, the calls for comment and what i think of the twitter comments have been coming in) and he was out drinking himself to drown his sorrows. There are some stressors we can control or avoid all together. I made a conscious decision not to let the whole tooth pick house incident weigh me down and I am making a conscious decision to make amends based on soberness, which is a milestone. Stressors come to shake our stability and since most persons with mental illnesses are seen as ‘unstable’, any stressor big or small kicks us off our feet based on the foundation we build, then relapses and it is back to square one. All this time I have been at home, I have been choosing my battles and working on my state of mind and I feel I am ready to go back to the 100 girls in 100 days office to give this project the best three last weeks ever before I get back to a 9-5.

My sincerest condolences to Minister Githae and his family and friends for their loss and to everyone who has ever lost someone because of suicide. For those of you have never lost anyone but have someone with a mental illness in their environment, help them know their triggers/stressors...help them achieve milestones however little, they play a great role in building hope and laying firm foundations hence reducing their chances on self-destructing. People who are about to commit suicide as i said in my own experience post do not wake up and do it, they send out signs, they cry for help...we just do not really read their smoke signals until the fire engulfs...take time this weekend and show some true love to those around you, forget what they update on Facebook and Twitter, watch a movie with them, do lunch, sit in silence...you may just save someone from relapsing or taking that jump......off to discover my Ankara design work...I think I have a calling there, I am self-discovering...Happy discovering Saturday beautiful souls (:

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