The thin line between life and death - PARENTAL ADVISORY11:36:00 AM
That title sounds like one of those primary school compositions, 40 mins start now, yet it is not a composition, it is the story of my life. You may have seen the new office space and wondering how now...well if you are a friend on Facebook, you might have seen the above as my profile picture and on Tuesday you might have seen the lyrics to Ayo’s These Days song on my wall, yes I wanted to die, for real, I was done, I wanted out. I know it sounds really off, I mean I am Sitawa, I am the greatest woman everyone has ever met, I am humbled by all those comments et al (half the people who have met my work before meeting me think I am Sitawa’s Assistant)I am... I am.... I am... but am I really?
The hardest part of it all is that I am ambassador for Mental Health, these are the some things I teach or create awareness about when we visit schools and youth groups, things I should know better. At least one thing I knew is that I needed to tell someone what I am feeling. Tuesday was not the first attempt, I did it on Friday but I woke up on Saturday with the worst case of stomach pain, went for WAPI and then BOGOF where I was to perform but left before I could because the host kept telling everyone this is THE SITAWA, think they came up with a title for me with all this S words...Sophisticated Something Sitawa or something on that vein (Jaq what is it you guys said?) Then there was Monaja, Nairobi’s Finest, Kina go Down Monaja, introducing me to all these people using the same grandiouse, SERIOUSLY!!! What is it that people see?
I tried to talk to my bestfriend on Friday before I did the do but alikuwa ameshikana, his words...so we hooked up on Saturday after I had fleed from Hilton where BOGOF was being held. We had one of those walk down memory lane sessions and everytime I wanted to bring it up I thought he is remembering the past, let the picture sink in perfectly for it will be all the memories he has. People do not kill themselves all of a sudden, they think about it, they think about the people around them.I have been doing stuff for my bestfriend for a while now, maybe he noticed it, maybe he thought it’s the love, the friendship, we do stuff for each other, with each other.
On Monday I had a meeting with my crew and they were late for the meeting and had to run for errands so I let them go even if the meeting wasn’t over, at least they were glad they would rush to Eastleigh to buy materials before it got too late.On Tuesday I was in school bright and early (yes I saved enough to take myself back to school) and I bet I was teacher’s pet given I scored a whole 90% on my entrance exam even though I did not answer some questions. I have been for the longest time been googling suicide missions, if you are a keen looker, this weekend was not the first time that pic has been my profile picture, I googled and fell in love with Sylvia Plath, the poet who died at 30 by sticking her head in an oven, I know my poetry is out there being edited for publishing so it would be well for all the people who loved my work,I went on to get comments and suggestions on Facebook when I asked if people who commit suicide are weak or plain silly… I had already written a closing piece(my suicide note was doing good where I could)… here is a sneak peak of it, it is titled Sylvia Plath
I want to die,
I want to stick a big ugly knife into my belly
But I will scream as I feel the pain in me slip
Everything around me is pain so no I do not want to feel pain when I die
I want my piece to go in peace
Peace that surpasses all understanding
For how would they understand
They hail my name on newspapers and TV screens
Give me titles and honorariums
Talk of greatness
Think I will die in my sleep
And I will hold hands with them and we will pray
This night I pray the Lord to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
I have not gotten my reward here
So I know it awaits in heaven
On Tuesday after class I cancelled my appointments and I cried myself silly from 12 -4p for no apparent reason, I knew this was it... all I knew was I did not want to see Wednesday or Thursday or any other day.
If you have ever want to leave this world, do not google it, go with the traditional methods.Concoctions just mess you up and in the morning you are awake, what a waste of time and goodbyes. It is harder if you are in a position of authority, when you should know better, when you are the ambassador for mental health, someone strip that title off this mental case already.Some people say I need Jesus, that true joy comes from above, others say lifestyle management, sincerely I have no idea what I needed and that is the hardest part, I did not know what was wrong but I knew things were not right.
I think irrationality is something to watch out for, people do not just change, something happens and something happened to me. All my friends are out of the country and so I sent my long distant text to Southern Sudan, the States, Australia, India, not forgetting my Basicneeds Family and Ng’endo and the first thing everyone says is, you are a great person, you are an inspiration, you are, you are, you are…thing is you never feel it at all at that time, then there are those who tell you not to be silly and do something stupid. My uncle got wind of it and I saw the pain in his eyes and voice I have to admit I felt very silly and would have done something really stupid. But that was this time, I still do not have the courage to face my Basicneeds Family and I think I opted to talk to my overseas friends because they are far and there will be no looking people in the eye, yes you can say it, I am a coward, a hypocrite (I also have another poem I wrote when in this state about hypocrisy)
One thing I have learnt is that when people commit suicide because Arsenal won(no pun intended) or because a girl left them, it is not really because of those things, it is something that put them down once and they really did not deal with it but stored it, then another blow came and they stored it and when Arsenal lost or when they see their woman get into that car, they break, all that has been stored up comes out and they decide to take their lives and that of their children. They are that policeman his superiors will say was a nice man, clean, did not take bribes but he is the same one who asked for a beer in a pub and when the waiter decided to serve table 1 before his, he took out his gun and shot everyone before shooting himself.
If I had died, someone would have said yesterday, she was on her way to acquiring an immaculate office space at the Business Lounge on 4th Floor, Nakumatt Junction on Ngong Road. After my uncle’s stare and few words, I did acquire the same, when I got there, it made me feel like I had been born again in every sense of the word. If you are a Runway254 follower, I bet all this is a shocker to you since everything in that department runs smoothly, we have a blogpost every day or two, I just put up a site, I guess I am a great person after all, I just have underlying issues that I need to sort before I actually try suicide for the third time and actually succeed in it.
For everyone I would could reach out to on Tuesday when I was at my lowest, I thank God sincerely for bringing you to my life, for all you tried to tell me, I too wish I knew why.To my uncle and aunt I do not know where to begin.To everyone who reads this, watch out for those signs, they may be really small, really really small but leads to things to come.They may come to work, do everything perfectly, you guys may go hang out, have fun, make plans, yes we do make plans but we have our GRAND PLAN in the back of our minds but we look for a sign, especially if we are aware that it is not the only option, we truly look for a sign, that is why we go to work, that is why we keep writing on our status it is a good day, we hope it will be a good day, we give our all, then boom, the boss calls us sloppy, the hubby says we are ragged and our tits sag. That is why I asked on Facebook, are we weak or plain silly? I do not think it is the name calling by the boss, no it is more than that, it is something others go out and laugh about over a drink . I think being good is not good enough.i have a series of poems that capture this mood, when my book eventually comes out, look out for Sunset and Soul Deep.
Two reasons I write this post; One because I googled about suicide read other people’s attempts, successes and failures, I hope you will read it and forward to as many people as you can, you never know, you just never know. Secondly ZN, this post wouldn’t have been up if you didn’t call me at 5 O’clock in the morning to check if I am still here, you made me laugh today, real laughter, ( I thank God for my family, the things I put them through, Uncle an dAuntie God bless you exceedingly, abundantly, above all) ZN you made me share my story ,if I am allowed to quote you ‘if you’ve stopped journaling, start again, you have all the answers within you’ God bless your soul. I am looking forward to today, that had become a rare feeling, it is a world wonder.
To anyone feeling suicidal, I know they say think of what you are about to do, they say how God will judge you and in your heart you know He already judged you, why else would you feel so hopeless, I know it sounds all wrong to say this but I am a two time suicide survivor with a physical address, you can come we jump together, reach me at +254734071898 (I know it is risky to put my number online, I had people to call, I want to be that person people call when they have no one to call)
Lesson Learnt: I know I may not be able to point out what underlying factors are disturbing me, maybe blogging and writing poetry about my rape ordeal and my mental health affair, the flipping and relapses is not good enough, maybe it is about time I coughed those thousands to get professional before I live my dark dream of dying at 27 like most rock stars PS: I am 27 or go cheap and be social, my life should not revolve around work and my room, I need friends who live in my country with whom I can do fun things that do not involve work…anyone who is into travelling eating and …well lets work with travelling and eating should holla (I just pimped myself online) PS: No journalist/reporters allowed.
Just for kicks, here is my new office space…from which I write this post...to think I would be piled among bodies at Chiromo at this moment instead of all this…I repent. You are allowed to visit for business of course, KFC is below me, so is Planet Yorghut, Pizza Inn, the Art Caffe stand, Java, Dormans…my CV reads I love travelling and eating, you will be travelling to my office and you decide which food you want me to eat…It feels good to be back.